still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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