Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
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at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
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I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I wear drunk well.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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