Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
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It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
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At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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