the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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