At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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