as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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