Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
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You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
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If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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