At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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