I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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