I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize