M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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