Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
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Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
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Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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