Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
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He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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