Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
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Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
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There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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