if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize