hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
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You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
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You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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