she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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