Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
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If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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