I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
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We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
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I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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