I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
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I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
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Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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