I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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