she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
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Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
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That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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