Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize