he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
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New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
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I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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