So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
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I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
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new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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