Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
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before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
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the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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