would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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