I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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