Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
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I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
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Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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