when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
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I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
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I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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