Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize