You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
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better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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