I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
God, I missed his penis.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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