I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
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my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
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I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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