Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
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Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
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I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize