Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
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Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
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Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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