so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
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man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
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He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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