I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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