My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
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It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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