The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
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Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
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Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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