I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
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How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
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I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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