Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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