Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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