My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
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Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
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I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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