She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
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when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
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Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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