I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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