i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize