You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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