i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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