Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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